Monday, May 14, 2012
serenity
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Sometimes things feel ... Hopeless or not in harmony. That's my last weekend. But after what can only be described as stewing, mulling, and turning over my problems over in my head, I said fuck it. Chelsea, you have got to center. And you have got to remember it takes two to tango and you are part of the problem. So I decided to focus on righting the inner imbalance I feel and see how that affects my surroundings. My main challenge is not numbing it out or switching into zombie mode in an attempt to make things better. Sometimes, it is making the mental decision about your attitude and your future actions that makes the difference (I'm hoping it works.)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
losiing your grip, and fully knowing it
marti keeps reminding me: this is so shitty/rad.
and by 'this' she means my situation. by situation, i mean the fact i sort of kicked myself out of my mom's. dropped our relationship [indefinitely]. and i'm living in the abandoned mansion on the hill. fuck.
aside from turing robotic once again, i'm feeling-- oddly at peace? right now i'm squeezing the most out of my day. bought a lap top i can't really afford. [thank you black friday, you have redeemed yourself >this much< at least!] i'm sitting in a local coffee shop with the hipsters and cool kids on their iPads and guitars. makes me feel rllyb out of place with my ed hardy purse, cat eyes, and work out pants. whatevs.
i burnt my pinkie on my flat iron. (hurts like a bitch)
i think i'm getting back with my ex. for all intensive purposes, i say think, but i knlow i am. i can't decided if this is a fucking re-re move that is counter to all ho knowledge or if it is the smartest move i've made yet. maybe i don't need to decide.
i need a better job. being a grown up, paying for your own shit, is fucking hard. i work
and by 'this' she means my situation. by situation, i mean the fact i sort of kicked myself out of my mom's. dropped our relationship [indefinitely]. and i'm living in the abandoned mansion on the hill. fuck.
aside from turing robotic once again, i'm feeling-- oddly at peace? right now i'm squeezing the most out of my day. bought a lap top i can't really afford. [thank you black friday, you have redeemed yourself >this much< at least!] i'm sitting in a local coffee shop with the hipsters and cool kids on their iPads and guitars. makes me feel rllyb out of place with my ed hardy purse, cat eyes, and work out pants. whatevs.
i burnt my pinkie on my flat iron. (hurts like a bitch)
i think i'm getting back with my ex. for all intensive purposes, i say think, but i knlow i am. i can't decided if this is a fucking re-re move that is counter to all ho knowledge or if it is the smartest move i've made yet. maybe i don't need to decide.
i need a better job. being a grown up, paying for your own shit, is fucking hard. i work
Really?
Dear Blogger,
Because of your super cool changes it just took me over 30 min to login to my blog. Rad.
Now the real reason I'm here:
"never complain, never explain."
One of the few positives I took away from Derby was this new mantra. I had ran into some old classmatea from hs (feel free to read previous post about how awkward that was for me, always) and I was left feeling, well awkward about it all. There I was with nowhere to hide behind the Papa Murphy's counter, wearing plastic gloves and bam! A boy who had a decent level of cool in hs walks through the door and eyelocks me. At that point I cannot hide, I have to acknowledge and make small talk. So I try. But instead of feeling cool or even happy to interact with peers my age, I'm embarassed. I'm just a step above wearing a hair net and I have this urge to blurt out all the cool and edgy things I had done and accomplished while in college. And even though I wanted to play cool, I couldn't and all of the things that had led to this chance meeting came tumbling out my nervous mouth. Which made everything worse. Afterward, I handed him his pizza, looked in his eyes and wanted to break down. I had done all that not because I really gave a shit about him or what he thought but because of what I thought about myself.
So there I was, feeling less than and ashamed and a derby girl stepped up and shared that with me. Funny thing is, just looking at her you would never guess how quirky and fun she is. She reminds me of a mousy woman on little house on the prarie. She had married a man she was truly in love with and he happened to be head to toe tattooed (me = a baby bit jealous), had 2 great sons who were as quirky and fun as she and her husband, and was just kind, ahappy and fun to be around. I feel like she understood the awkward hs phase as well as me. And boy dis I appreciate the insight.
I admit I'm slightly bummed to be so far removed that I don't get to use it more. Now the only questions I get posed to me are about why we left WA to move here. Sometimes I have to even remind myself.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Funny ol NM
New Mexico has some pretty distinct and funny quirks so far. Let me share with you what I've noticed:
If you're a bad driver, simply wear a cowboy hat! It alerts all the drivers around you that you know you're a bad driver and we know to look out for you and give you more slack. It's the NM version of a baby on board shit driver sign or a Canadian license plate!
What team do you go for? Everyone is a die hard fan for ONE football team. It isn't enough to simply like a team, you MUST own most of the team related apparel from the officially licensed NFL store. And choosing your team doesn't have to have any rhyme or reason. Sure, your team is the Dolphins. Put a decal on your car bro. Paint your room in the Dolphins colors. Buy an oversized Dolphins blanket. This is mandatory. Even little kids have a team they are going for and they must choose wisely because this determines what they get for presents for every holiday FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
Traffic lights are all hung horizontally. No one can tell me why. I decided it is to allow large trucks to make it thru intersections, and I feel satisfied with this reason.
You have to LOVE soda. Maybe because everyone's poor they don't know or care enough to try to be healthy or maybe because the water tastes so shitty. But I'm sure I am the only person who would ask for water at a restaurant over a soda.
There are 3 kinds of women: chola hotties and I use hottie loosely, hot messes, and college girls. The cholas always have some sort of tight shirt or dress on, preferably with cut outs and chain accents, big hair, lip liner, perfectly drawn on eyebrows and some crazy heels. Most of the women here are big and they don't seem ashamed of their abundant rolls or cellulite, they actually seem to feel sexy and the tighter the top, the better. Now the.hot messes are typically just trashier versions of the chola, no heels, poorly done makeup, torn and cheap clothing. Probably a Pooh, Betty Boop or Tweety shirt and significant dye grow out. And last but not least, all of the girls that are young and seem young (aka don't have 4 kids with them or a smokers cough yet) are trypically decked out in Aggies attire and Hollister jeans. Cute, but not sleezy. All of the girls that I've seen that LOOK my age are college girls. Kids apparently age you a lot. Or at least rambunctious kids do.
And that's all for now. Sorry ladies if I offended, I'm sure I'll be joining the chola ranks any day.
If you're a bad driver, simply wear a cowboy hat! It alerts all the drivers around you that you know you're a bad driver and we know to look out for you and give you more slack. It's the NM version of a baby on board shit driver sign or a Canadian license plate!
What team do you go for? Everyone is a die hard fan for ONE football team. It isn't enough to simply like a team, you MUST own most of the team related apparel from the officially licensed NFL store. And choosing your team doesn't have to have any rhyme or reason. Sure, your team is the Dolphins. Put a decal on your car bro. Paint your room in the Dolphins colors. Buy an oversized Dolphins blanket. This is mandatory. Even little kids have a team they are going for and they must choose wisely because this determines what they get for presents for every holiday FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
Traffic lights are all hung horizontally. No one can tell me why. I decided it is to allow large trucks to make it thru intersections, and I feel satisfied with this reason.
You have to LOVE soda. Maybe because everyone's poor they don't know or care enough to try to be healthy or maybe because the water tastes so shitty. But I'm sure I am the only person who would ask for water at a restaurant over a soda.
There are 3 kinds of women: chola hotties and I use hottie loosely, hot messes, and college girls. The cholas always have some sort of tight shirt or dress on, preferably with cut outs and chain accents, big hair, lip liner, perfectly drawn on eyebrows and some crazy heels. Most of the women here are big and they don't seem ashamed of their abundant rolls or cellulite, they actually seem to feel sexy and the tighter the top, the better. Now the.hot messes are typically just trashier versions of the chola, no heels, poorly done makeup, torn and cheap clothing. Probably a Pooh, Betty Boop or Tweety shirt and significant dye grow out. And last but not least, all of the girls that are young and seem young (aka don't have 4 kids with them or a smokers cough yet) are trypically decked out in Aggies attire and Hollister jeans. Cute, but not sleezy. All of the girls that I've seen that LOOK my age are college girls. Kids apparently age you a lot. Or at least rambunctious kids do.
And that's all for now. Sorry ladies if I offended, I'm sure I'll be joining the chola ranks any day.
Friday, March 9, 2012
sleep well Cleopatra...
I took our new kitten, Cleopatra, to the vet for the third time in two weeks today.
Although all of her blood work kept coming back fine, she was not responding to the intense antibiotics and steroids she was prescribed. She had stopped eating and drinking on her own over a week ago. Although Nick and I dilligently syringe-fed her, it was obviously not enough and she was becoming progressively more lethargic.
It broke my heart.
So here I am at the vet, hoping they ask to keep her overnight on some intense IV cocktail to miraculously cure her. I mean, she is part Persian so naturally her breathing will take awhile to resume normality.
Instead, the vet returned with an x ray and a look on her face that told me it wasn't good; so maybe more meds?
It was worse than I thought. Looking at the x rays, I could tell her spine was severely... Not right? Cleo has a curvature in her neck and upper spine that caused all her chest internal organs to be pushed around. Her neck vertabrae were also underdeveloped, leaving her spinal cord exposed. I couldn't even handle all this information. The vet flicked the lights back on and I choked back tears. She was saying how we could try fixingher cold, another round of antibiotics, maybe take her to a specialist in Phx, a university. But, even if we addressed her illness, she would still hurt doing every day things like eating, drinking, getting around.
I was so shocked.
I called Nick. We wanted to try more. Something. (anything).
I called the vet back in and asked what kind of quality of life I could give her (if we could cure her illness). It wasn't good. But I already knew that. I cried more.
I made the hard decision. Even that felt so horrible. Like I failed. Like, why did I bother 'saving' her just to kill her myself? I was no better than those hags at the shelter. But did I really have a choice? She was cold. She had lost over half a pound when she only weighed 2.5 to begin with.
I had them do it, I held her as she went. It was fast.
Because they were nice enough to call and deal with the shelter I didn't have to take her body to the shelter like I was supposed to in the 'foster to adopt' contract. (thank gawd)
So I took her cold little body home. Showed the dogs. I think Rox was the only one who understood. I buried her and said some words. Cried some more. Ugh, I can't believe that she's gone so fast. I mean, we adopted her on Feb. 28.
So here is my good bye to you little Cleo. You were a good kitten.
Although all of her blood work kept coming back fine, she was not responding to the intense antibiotics and steroids she was prescribed. She had stopped eating and drinking on her own over a week ago. Although Nick and I dilligently syringe-fed her, it was obviously not enough and she was becoming progressively more lethargic.
It broke my heart.
So here I am at the vet, hoping they ask to keep her overnight on some intense IV cocktail to miraculously cure her. I mean, she is part Persian so naturally her breathing will take awhile to resume normality.
Instead, the vet returned with an x ray and a look on her face that told me it wasn't good; so maybe more meds?
It was worse than I thought. Looking at the x rays, I could tell her spine was severely... Not right? Cleo has a curvature in her neck and upper spine that caused all her chest internal organs to be pushed around. Her neck vertabrae were also underdeveloped, leaving her spinal cord exposed. I couldn't even handle all this information. The vet flicked the lights back on and I choked back tears. She was saying how we could try fixingher cold, another round of antibiotics, maybe take her to a specialist in Phx, a university. But, even if we addressed her illness, she would still hurt doing every day things like eating, drinking, getting around.
I was so shocked.
I called Nick. We wanted to try more. Something. (anything).
I called the vet back in and asked what kind of quality of life I could give her (if we could cure her illness). It wasn't good. But I already knew that. I cried more.
I made the hard decision. Even that felt so horrible. Like I failed. Like, why did I bother 'saving' her just to kill her myself? I was no better than those hags at the shelter. But did I really have a choice? She was cold. She had lost over half a pound when she only weighed 2.5 to begin with.
I had them do it, I held her as she went. It was fast.
Because they were nice enough to call and deal with the shelter I didn't have to take her body to the shelter like I was supposed to in the 'foster to adopt' contract. (thank gawd)
So I took her cold little body home. Showed the dogs. I think Rox was the only one who understood. I buried her and said some words. Cried some more. Ugh, I can't believe that she's gone so fast. I mean, we adopted her on Feb. 28.
So here is my good bye to you little Cleo. You were a good kitten.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
relax into the future
Ok, that book I was telling you about?
It's called Rant by Chuck Palaniuk. Same guy who wrote Fight Club.
First thing first, the population had grown so much that it was actually divided by nighttimers and daytimers. It had to be. The infrastructure couldn't be adapted to accomodate so many people. The nighttimers were the outcasts. Mostly young and working class.
Second, time travel was possible. The coolest part? Chuck talked about ... Oh man. I lost the word and no matter how much Googling I do I can't seem to find it. Well, I suppose that means you must go read it yourself.... Anyways, the idea is all religions are striving for the clear minded state that is similar to when you 'blank' out during driving. Time travel occurs in the book by this means and the individual getting that kick back in time via a car crash. So a game called Party Crashing. Groups of youth cruising the night for other Party Crashers and tagging their car before their own car is tagged.
Poetic. Read it.
Other topic.
Before moving, I was attending a boot camp that had some sessions at the pool. One night in particular, a aquatic ZimZumba class finished and all these older ladies (35-60?) Were showering and changing at the same time as us. I was... Apalled? How all these women were like passive cows. Their bodies worn and tired from child-rearing and not a thing to discuss but the happenings of their kids' lives.
(how does one value being a mother without becoming THIS?)
That was when I decided I wanted my life to be BIGGER. When people ask me about my life, I don't want to go to what my kid's are up to.
But wait. Am I not already like this? Doggie style? I don't know. Maybe.
And now that I'm here, somewhere new, I do find myself surrounded even more by moms and dads within my cohort. It's strange the moment of silence after everyone's introducing themselves and it's my turn and I get to say.that I went to college, I volunteer, I have pets, I'm building a mini house. But it doesn't matter, because everyone else is getting high fives for being moms or dads. Ugh. Socially, despite being a positive contribution to this country and having socially valued roles, it's frustrating to feel less than just because I don't have kids or desire to have kids.
I've heard of people experiencing this sort of judgement from this choice to not have kids but it still is crazy to actually experience it first hand.
So trippy. 2012 people.
Which reminds me. Watch this and spread the message.
http://m.youtube.com/index?client=mv-google&desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US&rdm=4psit663b#/watch?feature=m-trends&v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc
It's called Rant by Chuck Palaniuk. Same guy who wrote Fight Club.
First thing first, the population had grown so much that it was actually divided by nighttimers and daytimers. It had to be. The infrastructure couldn't be adapted to accomodate so many people. The nighttimers were the outcasts. Mostly young and working class.
Second, time travel was possible. The coolest part? Chuck talked about ... Oh man. I lost the word and no matter how much Googling I do I can't seem to find it. Well, I suppose that means you must go read it yourself.... Anyways, the idea is all religions are striving for the clear minded state that is similar to when you 'blank' out during driving. Time travel occurs in the book by this means and the individual getting that kick back in time via a car crash. So a game called Party Crashing. Groups of youth cruising the night for other Party Crashers and tagging their car before their own car is tagged.
Poetic. Read it.
Other topic.
Before moving, I was attending a boot camp that had some sessions at the pool. One night in particular, a aquatic ZimZumba class finished and all these older ladies (35-60?) Were showering and changing at the same time as us. I was... Apalled? How all these women were like passive cows. Their bodies worn and tired from child-rearing and not a thing to discuss but the happenings of their kids' lives.
(how does one value being a mother without becoming THIS?)
That was when I decided I wanted my life to be BIGGER. When people ask me about my life, I don't want to go to what my kid's are up to.
But wait. Am I not already like this? Doggie style? I don't know. Maybe.
And now that I'm here, somewhere new, I do find myself surrounded even more by moms and dads within my cohort. It's strange the moment of silence after everyone's introducing themselves and it's my turn and I get to say.that I went to college, I volunteer, I have pets, I'm building a mini house. But it doesn't matter, because everyone else is getting high fives for being moms or dads. Ugh. Socially, despite being a positive contribution to this country and having socially valued roles, it's frustrating to feel less than just because I don't have kids or desire to have kids.
I've heard of people experiencing this sort of judgement from this choice to not have kids but it still is crazy to actually experience it first hand.
So trippy. 2012 people.
Which reminds me. Watch this and spread the message.
http://m.youtube.com/index?client=mv-google&desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US&rdm=4psit663b#/watch?feature=m-trends&v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Lyfe in N.M.
Bahaha! Outsmarted YOU Smart Phone.
Since moving I feel like I've unplugged a lot. But likewise, I fight it. Like with my smart phone I feel like it's literally my life raft to...my old life? Idk, to that huge thing called current world affairs?
It's dumb really.
I got a cat. Why? Nick wouldn't let me get another dog. It seemed logical.
She's sick. And I'm nursing her back to health and I surprisingly feel so out of my comfort zone it's ridiculous. Like, it can't be THAT different from a dog... Right?
The mini is. Cramped. We scored some free flooring. Kinda. And Nick's been putting it in. So that means half the house feels like a house and the other half is like no man's land.
I proposed to Nick. Feb 6, 2012. We're planning on getting married on July 7, 2013. I can't wait. Planning feels stressy mostly due to money and saving money for it. But I'm a solid planner so it'll be ok.
I feel. Condensed. Because typing on my phone is different than a computer and the thoughts just don't FLOW. I miss home. Not even home, just being familiar.
I'll make it.
Since moving I feel like I've unplugged a lot. But likewise, I fight it. Like with my smart phone I feel like it's literally my life raft to...my old life? Idk, to that huge thing called current world affairs?
It's dumb really.
I got a cat. Why? Nick wouldn't let me get another dog. It seemed logical.
She's sick. And I'm nursing her back to health and I surprisingly feel so out of my comfort zone it's ridiculous. Like, it can't be THAT different from a dog... Right?
The mini is. Cramped. We scored some free flooring. Kinda. And Nick's been putting it in. So that means half the house feels like a house and the other half is like no man's land.
I proposed to Nick. Feb 6, 2012. We're planning on getting married on July 7, 2013. I can't wait. Planning feels stressy mostly due to money and saving money for it. But I'm a solid planner so it'll be ok.
I feel. Condensed. Because typing on my phone is different than a computer and the thoughts just don't FLOW. I miss home. Not even home, just being familiar.
I'll make it.
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